Skip to main content

Fostering FAQ: How Long Will She Stay/Will You Adopt Her?

Our first foster baby came with about 18 hours notice; it was respite care, which means we had him for a few days while his regular foster family had a break/dealt with a family emergency. He stayed 3 nights, long enough to come to church and have a dozen people cooing over his little sleeping cheeks.  With each new visitor to our quiet corner, I explained again that he would be going back to his foster family the next day.

Barely a week later, we got a 9am phone call with a fostering request and by the same afternoon, we were snuggling her. This time, we had her for 4 days before church came around. Again, our community was keen to see the little one we had in tow. Again, the question, "How long will she stay?" And this time, "Are you going to adopt her?"

Trying out the carrier...
--

Here in Toronto, when a child is placed in foster care, it is always for an indefinite length of time. It depends on the parents' situation, and whether they are able to make a safe home environment for the child. How long that might take varies completely from situation to situation. The length of stay depends on the court system; will the courts decide the child should not have been removed? Or maybe, eventually, the courts will decide the parents' rights will be terminated. In this case, the child becomes a crown ward, and is then considered available for adoption.

During this time, throughout a potentially lengthy process, the child remains in foster care. Ideally, the child is in the same foster home, with short-term respite care provided when needed (this is what we did with our first foster baby). Of course, there are sometimes situations that make it impossible for a child to stay in their initial foster home, and they would then be moved to a new foster family.

It's a complicated reality. There are many moving parts, many people involved. As foster parents, we have limited agency; we can say yes or no to a placement, and if we need to end a placement early, we can request that. But we have no ultimate power in determining whether the child will become available for adoption or not. And while there might be speculation as to the outcome when a child arrives, it isn't certain, and nothing is guaranteed until the courts make their decision.

If a child is becoming available for adoption, children's services may ask the foster parents if they are interested in adopting the child. And then we, the foster parents, have a significant and weighty decision to make. Before we had anyone placed with us, we'd started discussing the factors involved in such a decision for us. But quite frankly, that is either a whole separate post in and of itself, or more likely, not for public sharing/discussion. In my mind, asking someone if they're going to adopt a child in their care is somewhat akin to asking a couple if they are trying to have babies; it's a bit invasive, not entirely in their control, and potentially an emotionally loaded question for them.

--

So back to Dream Baby. How long will she be with us? We don't know. And any thoughts about the future, at this point, are speculation. The most we can say is that she'll likely be with us for several months, and we're looking forward to loving her and caring for her to the best of our abilities.

And if, at some point in our fostering years, we have the opportunity and decide to adopt one of the children who has been in our care - we will make the news public at an appropriate time; when it's more than speculation, and we're ready to make it known. So please...don't ask this question.



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

What About Travis!?

I just watched Hope Floats, the second movie in my I-really-need-to-vegetate night. Now that we have more than three channels, there are so many quality programs on TV! Like movies in the middle of the week. I enjoyed many of the lines in this movie, including:

"I went home and told my mama you had a seizure in my mouth."
(referring to her first french-kissing experience)

"Dancing's just a conversation between two people. Talk to me."
(the conversation in our living room then went,
Girl 1: Only Harry Connick Jr. could say that line without it being incredibly cheezy.
Boy: Without it being cheezy? That's all I heard. Cheez, cheez, cheez.
Girl 2: Yeah, but it was sexy, sexy cheez...sigh.)
"Better do what she says, Travis. Grandma stuffs little dogs."

Bernice: At home we had a pet skunk. Mama used to call it Justin Matisse. Do you think that's just a coincidence? All day long she would scream, "You stink Justin Matisse!" Then one day she just…

Fostering FAQ: What's Her (Mom's) Story?

This is probably the second most common question I hear about the baby currently in our care, right after, "Will you keep her?"

It comes in many forms:

"So, what's her story?"
"Is her mom in the picture?"
"How did she end up in your home?
"Is her mom a drug addict?"
"How could a mom not love such a cute baby!"

I get it. It's natural curiousity, and I know I've asked similar questions of my friends who are adoptive parents.


But here's what I'm learning: a child's story is their own. And equally as important, the parent's story is their own.

Imagine how it might feel to hear that for the foreseeable future, you are not allowed to care for your child. On top of whatever difficult circumstances you are already in - perhaps poverty, social isolation, lack of adequate housing, domestic violence, intergenerational trauma, drug or alcohol dependency, low cognitive functioning, or a myriad of other complex strug…

Simone Weil: On "Forms of the Implicit Love of God"

Simone Weil time again! One of the essays in Waiting for God is entitled "Forms of the Implicit Love of God." Her main argument is that before a soul has "direct contact" with God, there are three types of love that are implicitly the love of God, though they seem to have a different explicit object. That is, in loving X, you are really loving Y. (in this case, Y = God). As for the X of the equation, she lists:

Love of neighbor Love of the beauty of the world Love of religious practices and a special sidebar to Friendship
“Each has the virtue of a sacrament,” she writes. Each of these loves is something to be respected, honoured, and understood both symbolically and concretely. On each page of this essay, I found myself underlining profound, challenging, and thought-provoking words. There's so much to consider that I've gone back several times, mulling it over and wondering how my life would look if I truly believed even half of these things...

Here are a few …